This feeling of being in the middle of the ocean all alone and treading water.
Sometimes someone leads me here and gets me good and comfortable then abruptly leaves. Other times I lead myself here and stay here until it is time to come to the shore again.
It's never done willingly. I feel myself "going there" and can pull back and stay in the wonderful reality that is my life. I'm not always fortunate enough to catch it in time the same way I am learning to catch when a migraine is coming and deterring it.
I see changes in how I deal with it. In the past I stayed there and and went under. I'd come undone and watch as I went deeper. I'd eventually get tired and frantically find a life jacket or life ring to desperately hold on to till the raging thunder ran out of rain.
These days I tread water and reflect. I don't fight it. I don't like being here but I know it's necessary. It is a part of me. And I know who is allowing it to happen and why.
I remarked to my son just yesterday as we were going through what could have been a crisis that I was amazingly calm. I felt it from the strands of hair on the top of my head to the tips of my fingers to my baby toe; immense calm. I knew that whatever we were about to face, God would meet us where we needed to be met and hold us in the palm of his hands.
We were sent to the ER from the doctor's office for more testing and I was still calm. I went home and even made sure I ate and got in my comfortable sweats and prepared for the ER. You never know how long you'll be there. An hour or 5 hours....the ER controls it all. So yeah, I was prepared.
It started as soon as I walked outside the house and the 1st thought that popped in my mind was if anything goes wrong, I'll never forget this shirt I'm wearing. It will be "the shirt"when the thing happened forever more. I quickly thought happy thoughts to counteract those.
Then we got in the car and my son played "One Sweet day" by Mariah Carey and Boyz to Men. I'm trying to be calm and show him I've got this but inside I'm coming undone because why this song? Why right now? Do you hear the words Son? Is this a sign? This has nothing to do with him and this situation but now I'm thinking how this song looped over and over a power point I put together years ago as we viewed pictures of a smiling son whose obituary I wrote as I lay in bed with his grieving mother.
I'm going in deeper and I'm trying to come back but I have missed it. Missed the space of no return.
Much like when I first get blurry vision and think I'm just sleepy and then 5 minutes later I'm in full blown migraine. The amazing body gives us warning signs much like the blurry vision and we either yield to them or ignore them.
My warning sign last night was that song. I could have told him to pick another song but then he may have asked why and I may have come apart so I remained the stoic one as Mothers do for the protection of their children's heart all the while our hearts break piece by piece.
The song ended and he started playing Toni Braxton. Yeah he will 16 in a few days and his playlists include Curtis Mayfield, Stevie Wonder, Sade, Elton John, and Rich Homey Quan. I kept it together but inside I was gone, seams unraveling.
Every single thing that could go wrong as we approached the ER started playing in my mind.
This is probably when I should have prayed but then I didn't want to scare him.
We were there a little over 2 hours and everything came back inconclusive which sucks major. What really made me mad was that the Doctor didn't even have the common decency to come back and have a conversation with us about all the tests they ran. Someone just came back to discharge us and gave us forms to read over.
We went home and I needed to release so I cried myself to sleep while my love held me.
I was scared.
This is my child who is very much in tune with his body. When he says something is wrong, it most likely is. He self diagnosed himself and was correct. This was the 3rd time I've had to take him to the doctor for an issue in almost 16 years.
I was scared.
Yes I was calm and knew everything would be alright and I trust God but I am human.
I was scared.
So here I am today, a new day but still not back at shore. Treading water and still processing.
Writing this has served as more release and I feel the air entering and escaping my body more like before now. It's not forced and difficult. I even feel a smile coming along soon and not this stank face I've had all morning.
I have one lifeline these days and that's God. I am reminded of His love and grace and how I can handle all that He allows. As soon I remember I straighten my crown, adjust the armor he has adorned me with and stand tall in His promises.
It doesn't happen as often but it happens and when it does, the best news is that it never lasts long.